


Alamort

by quasar_concept



Series: i give tsukki a hard time [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Kuroo Tetsurou, Consent, Demisexual Tsukishima Kei, Depression, Established Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Established Relationship, Exhaustion, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, References to Depression, Sloppy Makeouts, Third Year Hinata Shouyou, Third Year Kageyama Tobio, Third Year Tsukishima Kei, Third Year Yachi Hitoka, Third Year Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei-centric, University Student Kuroo Tetsurou, kuroo loves tsukki lots ok, kurotsukki - Freeform, sex positive asexual, this is Tsukki with my depression lol, tsukki is tired because reasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2020-09-29 14:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20437463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quasar_concept/pseuds/quasar_concept
Summary: alamort(adj.) half-dead; exhaustedTsukishima wondered if perhaps he should apologise to Kuroo and just cancel the weekend. Everything is blurring and he can't focus, but god, why is he so tired? Maybe he just needs a kiss (or a few) from his boyfriend and a day of nothing. Just maybe.An emotionally bad weekend leads to an emotionally bad week, but it's not forever





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this whole thing ended up much longer than I expected.
> 
> enjoy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The One Where Kei is Tired and the Sex is Implied

> Tsukishima’s finger twinged slightly as he taped it solidly to his middle finger. His body thrummed with excitement, the thrill of such an unlikely win coursing his blood.
> 
> “Hey Tsukki,”
> 
> Tsukishima looked up, surprised to see Nekoma’s captain smiling. There was none of Kuroo’s usual conniving behind it, in fact there seemed to be an element of unsureness.
> 
> “Kuroo-san, were you watching the game?”
> 
> “Yeah, you were amazing.”
> 
> “It was tough, and I really didn’t do much, but the third years played well.” Tsukishima adjusted his glasses, lazily tugging his court bag onto his shoulder.
> 
> “Tsukishima, hurry up! We’re heading to the hotel now,” Sugawara said from the hall. He waved at Kuroo, smiling. “Good luck at your game, Kuroo.”
> 
> “Thanks! I was just telling Tsukki how well you played.”
> 
> Sugawara laughed, “well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to steal him back so we aren’t late to check-in.”
> 
> Tsukishima nodded politely towards Kuroo and started towards Sugawara.
> 
> “Hey, Tsukki,”
> 
> Tsukishima frowned slightly, turning back to face him. “Yes, Kuroo-san?”
> 
> “Will you go on a date with me?” Kuroo was ready for the rejection Yamaguchi reported was common for Tsukishima to dish out. He wouldn’t cry so much he threw up, no. He’d be fine. Totally.
> 
> Even with that lie floating around his head, the silence made him tremble. Honestly he was unsure as to what point his interest in the aloof first-year became much, much more, confused as to how he hadn’t noticed it growing. Jumbled as he was, it was new to him, he’d had a fair share of boyfriends, a few girlfriends. Kuroo figured the rejection would hurt less now, earlier on, then if he let his feelings brew even more.
> 
>   
Tsukishima fiddled with the edge of his jacket and refused to meet Kuroo’s eye.
> 
> “You can say no, I won’t be mad.”
> 
> Tsukishima didn’t say anything Kuroo was expecting, and instead he murmured, “I’ll text you later.”

* * *

Aching from practice and bones chilled from the night air, Tsukishima just wanted to get home and _ sleep. _Instead, he was trudging alongside the crazy duo and his captain, actively avoiding being involved in their plans and shenanigans. 

“Do you wanna study with us this weekend, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked.

“I’m going to Tokyo with my brother,” Tsukishima shoved his hands in his pockets, raw from the winter air.

“Oh, well, I guess not!” Yamaguchi laughed. “Sorry, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima huffed softly, his breath condensing in a brief cloud. Focused on his feet, he tried to tune out the bickering of Hinata and Kageyama, silently begging Yamaguchi to stop looking at him with that concerned look. Sliding his headphones over his ears, Tsukishima hit shuffle on his “Other People are a Huge Pain” playlist and cranked the volume up, low enough that the yelling was more of a muffled chirping. 

At the end of the road Kageyama and Hinata peeled off, waving goodbye to the pair of friends before bounding off into the night. 

Yamaguchi tapped Tsukishima on the shoulder indicating he wanted to say something. Tsukishima obliged, turning down his music but left his headphones on his head, nodding to Yamaguchi.

“What are you going to do in Tokyo?”

“Concert, and maybe check out Waseda and Rikadai.”

“That should be good! Are you going to catch up with Kuroo-san?”

“Yes.”

Tsukishima just wanted to get home and _ sleep. _He had no idea why his stomach lurched when he thought about meeting up with Kuroo. Nothing was wrong between them, they texted at least once a day and more often than not they talked for hours. Tsukishima swallowed the knot in his throat. 

“Tsukki, are you sure you’re okay?”

Tsukishima considered lying, for a moment. “Tired,” he offered. It was true, and he wasn’t sure _ why _he was so tired, but he was. “Just tired. I’ll be okay.”

Yamaguchi hummed unconvinced, but left it at that. He knew Tsukishima often just needed time to think something through, but it didn’t hurt to prod when something was visibly wrong. Especially when Yamaguchi knew he wouldn’t speak up on his own accord. Yamaguchi also knew that if there was any true cause for concern, Tsukishima wouldn’t have walked with the other third years. 

In comfortable silence, the pair approached the intersection where Yamaguchi’s house sat, the front light on, indicating his mother was already home. Yamaguchi unlatched the gate. 

“Alrighty, well, I’ll see you Monday bright and early for training!” Yamaguchi smiled softly. “I’m only a text away if you need.”

Tsukishima nodded and waved his farewell, blaring music into his ears. The familiar sounds blurred into the background, along with everything else. Tsukishima briefly thanked that he knew his way home from Yamaguchi’s by muscle memory alone, because he wasn’t sure he would actually be able to focus enough to navigate, otherwise. 

Grateful their houses were close, Tsukishima stumbled up the road and through his door. He leant down to loosen his stubborn shoe and his back groaned in protest. Maybe he should apologise to Akiteru and just cancel the whole weekend. Everything was out of focus and he hurt all over and he was _ tired. _But, they’d been planning this for a while, and the universities were having open days, and he missed Kuroo. Tsukishima sighed again. He couldn’t cancel. That’d dumb. He’d just have to push through. 

“Oh, Kei, you’re home!” Akiteru stood at the top of the flight of stairs. “I just finished packing, d’you think you’ll be ready to leave in half an hour? It’ll take us about thirty minutes to get to Sendai, and then another ninety for the bullet train to Tokyo, so we should be there by eight thirty, with plenty of time to get to the concert.” 

Tsukishima already knew all of this, but he didn’t say anything. Once again, he simply nodded, and then proceeded to force his protesting muscles up the stairs into his room. Luckily for him, he’d had the foresight to pack in the morning, so he didn’t have to grab much. Tsukishima stuffed his toothbrush and laptop and phone anything else extra smack on top of everything else in his bag, forgoing organisation for speed. With a level of dramatics he rarely possessed, he fell onto his bed, and carefully clutched his tattered stuffed stegosaurus to his chest, forcing himself not to fall asleep. He could sleep on the train, and then he’d be fine. He just needed to sleep.

* * *

Tsukishima stared pointedly out the window of the bullet train, ignoring the worried glances Akiteru was sending him, and feeling decidedly worse. He’d blacked out the second his head leant against the train window, and woke with a jolt and half an hour to go until they reached Tokyo. 

He’d dug his phone out of his bag after he woke up, had thrown it in his pocket. He clicked his tongue when it vibrated against his leg, though he wasn’t really annoyed. It was probably Kuroo, and he wanted to talk to Kuroo so much, wanted to see him so much it made his chest ache. Opening up the messages without glancing at the lock screen, he smiled at the messages from his boyfriend. 

**Can't wait to see you Kei xx**

**I miss you **<3 <3 <3 ****

** **What time are you meant to get here? I think I'm early. ** **

Tetsurou, you're not at the station already

are you? we have about 20 minutes to go

xx

**Im**

**yeh ok, im here early, but it's cause **

**im excited to see you **

I'm excited to see you too, Tetsurou

**im also intrigued as to what this **

**band is like live**

**dyou think theyll b good???**

yeah, kana-boon is good

Akiteru saw them a while back, he says

that they're great live too

**that's good! I cant wait Keiiiiiii**

Me too. 

See you soon x

* * *

"Alright, I'll be by tomorrow to take you to the station, Kei" Akiteru said. "Good night you two, stay safe!" He winked at the couple.

"Aki!" Tsukishima groaned, and Kuroo cackled at his boyfriend's reaction. 

"Don't worry Akiteru, we'll be fine." Kuroo smirked. 

"Oh my god..."

"Bye," Akiteru laughed, waving as the couple moved inside. 

They had totally waited too long for this, Kuroo decided. Barely into the lounge room of his apartment, Kuroo’s lips melted against Tsukishima’s, vaguely salty with concert sweat. A month and nine days had gone by since they’d last kissed and Kuroo had missed Tsukishima _ so much. _

Reverently Kuroo guided Tsukishima back towards the well-loved couch. Tsukishima sighed into Kuroo’s mouth, eyes shut in bliss. Slowly, Kuroo guided Tsukishima to sit in his lap as they lowered onto the couch, lips tingling softly.

Kuroo weaved his hands under Tsukishima’s shirt, tugging it up as he kissed Tsukishima’s jaw, his collar, his neck. 

"W-" Tsukishima's voice hitched. "Wait, Te-Tetsurou, wait, stop."

Kuroo stopped nipping at Tsukishima’s neck, stopped his hands moving under Tsukishima’s shirt. “What’s up? You don’t wanna do anything tonight?” Kuroo asked softly.

“No, thanks,” Tsukishima rested his forehead on Kuroo’s shoulder, and curled into his boyfriend’s warmth. “I’m tired.”

Kuroo frowned a bit. “Kei, are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been getting enough sleep, and you’re eating properly?” Kuroo carded one hand in Tsukishima’s hair, the other holding him close. Tsukishima said nothing, instead shifted closer. Kuroo squeezed him close, gently ran his hand up Tsukishima’s spine and pressed feather kisses to the top of his head. 

“I have no idea what’s wrong with me,” Tsukishima screwed his eyes shut. “I’m so exhausted, and I have no reason to be, I’ve been eating and sleeping and everything. My head hurts, Tetsu. Everything hurts.”

Kuroo’s chest ached for his Kei, and he softly smoothed his thumb over Tsukishima’s temple. “Maybe you’re stressed?” 

Tsukishima just shrugs. “The inter-high is coming up, and our first year middle is begging me to teach him, but he’s too loud and I don’t know how, and I haven’t decided on any unis I’m interested in yet, and I keep not having enough time to talk to you, but none of it has really been bothering me, it just comes in bits and pieces, so I don’t think I’m stressed.”

“Kei, that doesn’t make sense. You just listed off at least five things that you can definitely be stressed about.”

“But I’m not.”

“You’re allowed to be,” Kuroo reassured. “It’s okay, you know? To be stressed about seemingly little things.”

“I don’t  _ feel  _ stressed, Tetsu. I just feel tired.”

“Babe, do you want to go to a doctor then? Or Doctor Yumehara?” 

Tsukishima said nothing for a moment, but shook his head. “No, I think maybe I just need to rest.” He doesn’t need to see his psychiatrist just for being tired. 

Kuroo hummed noncommittally. “Have some water and an apple for me first? And please think about calling Yumehara. He might have suggestions.”

“Okay,” Tsukishima agreed, and pulled away slowly.

They unfurled themselves from the couch, stretching a bit, before Tsukishima ventured into the kitchen for a glass of water and an apple, rubbing his painful eyes under his glasses. Kuroo strode down the hall to their room, ready to make a comfy place to cuddle all day if necessary. 

Quickly unlocking his phone, he shot a text to Akiteru. 

Kei’s feeling crappy.

Gonna cuddle and go for a quick walk tmrw, 

let’s not worry about the uni open days?

Unless Kei says he’s up for it, we won’t go 

**Yeah, he didn’t seem very well on **

**the train either :/**

**Sounds good! **

**I’ll pick him up around 5 to take **

**him to the station. ** **Let me know **

**i** **f you go 2 the open days :D **

**Thanks for looking after him, Tetsurou. **

Will do :)

Satisfied that Akiteru was sufficiently up to date, Kuroo plugged his phone in, tugged his shirt off and went back out to get Tsukishima. 

Tsukishima leant against the counter, slowly sipping a small glass of water and nibbling at an apple. He smiled weakly at Kuroo, and shakily brought the glass to his lips. 

Kuroo walked over to him, wrapped his arms around Tsukishima, and rested his head on the blond’s shoulders. “You think you can manage any more, love?”

“Probably not right now,” Tsukishima murmurs back. “Maybe tomorrow though.”

Happy that his boyfriend had done his best, Kuroo pressed a kiss to Tsukishima’s cheek, and released him from the embrace. Kuroo locked his pinky with Tsukishima’s and gently tugged on his arm, smiling adoringly and leading him to bed. 

Stumbling a little, Tsukishima felt everything start to give out. Leaning on Kuroo a bit more, pinkies still interlocked, he fell into their bed with an exhausted groan. Not even making a move to take off his glasses, Tsukishima scooted to make room for Kuroo. 

Kuroo rolled his eyes fondly. He was definitely a little worried at Tsukishima’s absolute exhaustion, but he was trying to remain positive, and hopefully a night’s rest and a day of nothing much would help him recharge a bit. Kuroo gently pulled Tsukishima’s glasses from his face, placing them on the bedside table, before hitting the light. Content, he snuggled under the sheets, pulling the layers above his shoulders, grateful for Tsukishima’s extra warmth during the winter night. Kuroo kissed his already sleeping boyfriend on the forehead. 

“Goodnight, Kei.”

* * *

For the second time that day, Tsukishima fell asleep next to Kuroo, only this time he was curled around Kuroo’s naked body, and tired for an entirely different reason. 

He really didn’t want to go back to Miyagi. 

“Kei, babe, c’mon, you’re brother’s gonna be here soon,” Kuroo pressed kisses to Tsukishima’s face. Tsukishima made a noise of protest and rolled so his back faced Kuroo.

Kuroo quirked an eyebrow, and ran his hand over Tsukishima’s back. “Kei,” Kuroo’s voice was husky and suggestive. “You have to at least pack, or there’s no way we’ll get another round in!”

“I truly don’t understand how it was you of all people I ended up being attracted to.” Tsukishima moped.

“Kei! Rude!” Kuroo feigned offence.

“Five more minutes, please Tetsu.”

“Promise only five more?”

“Yeah, promise.”

“Alright then. I love you so much Kei.”

“I love you too, Tetsurou.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not? written a new fic in so long? I can't even remember how I came up with this, but I finally gave in and wrote the thing I wanted and I really hope it's good ahaha
> 
> Rikadai = Tokyo University of Science  
Waseda = Waseda University (surprise surprise) 
> 
> Heather, Gabby and Ava, thank you for allowing me to spam you with this as I wrote it. You guys are the besttttt. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!! Let me know what you thought!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with First Times and High Temperatures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic attack, mild and very brief, towards the end of the chapter

> Kuroo stroked Tsukki’s thigh lazily. 
> 
> “You still up for doing it tonight?”
> 
> Tsukki nodded slowly, refusing to meet Kuroo’s gaze. His silence was filled in by the TV mumbling a late night bulletin, but the air was buzzing with nerves. 
> 
> “Are you sure?” Kuroo asked.
> 
> “I uh, yeah.” 
> 
> “That didn’t sound very enthusiastic.”
> 
> “I do, Kuroo, I do want this, just.” Tsukki pulled his legs to himself and mumbled into his knees. “I’m demi and I’ve never done this before and I don't want to disappoint you and I don’t want to not like it.”
> 
> Kuroo planted a kiss on Tsukki’s head and murmured, “never ever will you disappoint me foureyes, and you don’t have to like sex. I’m not going to take it personally if you don’t, promise.” While there was a playful tease to his voice, Kuroo was also being entirely sincere. He didn’t want the second year to be pressured into it, especially considering this being the first time Tsukki has actually even considered sex as a thing he might even want. 
> 
> Tsukki twisted his head and pushed his lips to Kuroo’s. “I trust you.”
> 
> “I love you so much. Let’s go?”
> 
> Tsukki kissed Kuroo fervently and softly hummed his response. He pushed Kuroo towards to door to Kuroo’s bedroom, and the only part Tsukki regretted was maybe a slightly aching lower back and definitely the knowing look from Kuroo’s mum.

* * *

The first time Tsukishima was late to school, he slept three hours past his alarm and woke up to five missed calls and twenty texts from Yamaguchi. 

Tsukishima left the texts unread, and tried to ignore the crawling, unnecessary, anxiety in his stomach and the heavy heat pressing on his chest and arms. Regrettably, being a third year meant hauling his ass and getting to school, even if he ends up only being there for half the day. 

This also means spending the rest of the school day avoiding interactions with anyone because as much as Tsukishima wished a weekend with his boyfriend was revitalising and would fix all his problems, he still felt as though he’d been run over by a speeding train. 

By the time he managed to drag himself onto school grounds, the day was well underway and everyone was stuffed into their classes. 

With a mind playing static and a body that burned heavily and compressed his chest, Tsukishima entered his class with even more disdain for the human race than usual. He offered his teacher a cursory apology, ignored eye contact with everyone and sat at his desk, and took immense amounts of ‘don’t look at me’ to not sigh. 

Tsukishima tried to concentrate on his teacher, but as the day dragged on the white noise in his brain was quickly accompanied by a stretching and pulsing headache. Desperately he wished the day would end and in a slow motion blur of nothing, his wish came true. 

Without a second thought for anyone or anything else, Tsukishima escaped his class and left the grounds of Karasuno with high hopes of sleeping for years. Completely on autopilot and without any of his regular higher order thinking Tsukishima shoved open the front door, slid off his shoes and stumbled into exhausted oblivion only to rejoin - at least partly - the land of living less than two hours later to a worried Yamaguchi. 

Today, 8:25am

Tsukki, you weren’t at training

r u ok?

Today, 10:47am

Did something happen?

Why aren’t you at school?

Tsukki im worried 

Today, 6:14pm

You arent ok r u

You just left class w/o talking to me

AND

missed training 

both of em

Please rest well, Tsukki, and remember you can talk to me yea?

There doesn't have to be a reason <3 

Sorry, Yamaguchi

Alright; I know

How the hell did Tsukishima manage to forget his one and only daily commitment? Go to volleyball - it wasn’t that hard to remember, especially since his routine hadn’t changed in the two years since he started at Karasuno. 

A sudden need to throw up everything he’d eaten overcame him with a shiver.

Tsukishima flung himself over the sink in his bathroom and found there was actually nothing in him to throw up. With every inch of his body shaking, he gripped the edge of the sink and knelt on the tiled floor. He knew in the back of his mind that he’d have to get some water but he didn’t trust his legs to carry him down the stairs yet. 

Tsukishima with his fever-exhausted mind decided that it would be a wonderful idea to - once again - crawl into bed, this time with his laptop, and apply to a few universities around Japan. 

Overseas was out of the question - he wasn’t interested and he would miss Kuroo (among other people he wouldn’t admit to missing.) Theoretically, he could go to Todai with Kuroo, but it wouldn’t help him with the careers he might want. Rikadai - twelve minutes from Todai - is where he wants to go, but with his luck he’ll end up in Hokkaido.

Copying and pasting the same email with the details slightly altered, he sent his application to Meidai in Nagoya, Kitami Institute of Technology in Hokkaido and Kochi University of Technology in (surprise!) Kochi. He expected nothing from any of them, having not even completed finals yet, but he possibly had a few other options if all else failed - including Todai. 

Should he be making this decision with 60% Kuroo in mind? Probably not, they’d still be together, but he doesn’t want to be even further from him. Whatever happens happens, though, and Tsukishima, dehydrated and with an empty stomach, fell asleep with his laptop open next to him. 

In the morning, Tsukishima was shaken awake by his mother. 

“Kei, are you okay?” Haeru asked. “You don’t usually sleep through your alarm.”

“‘M shit, but I gotta go to training,” Kei grumbled. He rubbed his bleary eyes and groped around for his glasses, and wished his chest didn’t feel so heavily empty. 

“Hmm okay,” she said, leaning against the wall. “I’ll be working in the trauma ward tonight, so I won’t be home until late, don’t wait up.”

“I won’t.”

“Good. Love you.” Haeru disappeared into the kitchen. 

With a great amount of disdain for the world, Tsukishima swaps the uniform shirt he slept in for another and slung his court bag over one shoulder and his school bag on the other. 

* * *

Despite the beginning of the week being over, Tsukishima woke up on Thursday feeling worse and to a phone lock screen more full than it had ever been before. 

Tuesday

**7:34pm Tetsu <3: **whoop babe u left prof steggie here haha

**7:34pm Tetsu <3: **image

**7:35pm Tetsu <3: **dont worry hell be here when you visit xx

**7:35pm Tetsu <3: **i miss youuuuuu <3 

Wednesday

**8:45am Tetsu <3:** Hey, your mum said you’re still not well, wanna talk?

**8:57am Tetsu <3:** It’s okay if not, just let me know

**12:15pm Tetsu <3:** Kei, please call me

**Missed Call****:** Tetsu <3

**6:07pm Tetsu <3****:** Kei are you okay??

**6:09pm (2) Missed Call:** Tetsu <3

**9:13pm (4) Missed Call:** Tetsu <3

**9:15pm Tetsu <3:** goodnight love. call if u need, ill wake up. love you so much <3

Today

**7:18am Tetsu <3: **i have class @ 8 but pls call me

**7:18am Tetsu <3:** i love you

With a start, Tsukishima realised that he’d slept through morning training - holy shit, again - but he winced when his head spun and pounded as he tried to get up.

With guilt churning in his stomach he thought that he should reply to Kuroo, and with anxiety dripping into his guilt, Tsukishima's heart pounded in terror that they hadn't talked since Monday. 

Tsukishima's anxiety wasn't quelled any when he, with pure Herculean effort, dragged himself to the kitchen to find an unopened letter from Kitami Institute of Technology. Holy shit he wasn’t ready for this. He was not expecting anything this soon, but they must be efficient up there in Hokkaido. It was a pretty solid envelope too, so decidedly not a rejection. Not a rejection, and a fairly high-ranking school. In Hokkaido. Four hours - minimum - from Kuroo. 

Tsukishima felt the shudder in his chest and his leg tensed and twitched and nope not today, he refused to have a panic attack over this, it would be impractical and lame and stupid and he’d already made himself late for school so he couldn’t be any later and welp.

Tsukishima braced his hands against the wooden table and clenched his eyes shut, focusing on his breathing. He shuddered and wheezed and it was hard to hear over his own erratic heart and he didn’t have his headphones but thank god for loud clocks and their consistent ticking. 

He got his breath to line up with three second intervals, then five, then seven and then he unclenched his shoulders and neck and hands (that paper was  _ severely  _ crumpled by this point and he couldn’t begin to care) and he opened his eyes stared - both thankfully and with disdain - at the clock. 

Right. Tsukishima sighed heavily, still slightly shaking and weak kneed. 

He decided he’d drag himself to school, hope he doesn’t get yelled at by teachers, or scolded at afternoon training. 

Fat chance but… maybe Friday would be better. 

* * *

Thursday’s training starts off okay. Tsukishima manages to avoid questions from the other team members while still assuring Ukai and Yamaguchi that he’s okay, maybe a bit stressed but mostly just tired. 

The problems arose when they started focusing on their individual skills, meaning talking to people and headaches and overeagerness. 

“You have to keep your fingers spread and strong so they don’t get blown back,” Tsukishima explained, trying not to groan in frustration. If someone were to ask him, he would tell them Karasuno’s first year middle blocker, Eiji Ogasawara, should be a libero. His digging is far beyond the other first years, and is undoubtedly better than Hinata’s too, but instead, Ogasawara has stubbornly decided he wants to be a middle blocker. 

The next serve went over and they readied themselves with Ogasawara leading the block so he could learn, and the set went up and with a solid thwack the ball ricocheted off Oga and out of the court.

Oga groaned. “My bad, sorry!”  
“You have to put your hands over the net or it won’t work,” Tsukishima said.

“Right, sorry Tsukishima-san!”

Ukai’s voice filled the gym, ordering everyone to pack up and get changed for the rest of the school day. 

“I promise I’ll get it this afternoon!” Ogasawara grinned, radiating an exhaustive amount of positivity as he bounded to help clean up the gym. 

With an exhausted sigh, Tsukishima turned to begin pulling down the net, and stubbornly ignored the pounding in his head. He fumbled over the generally easy task before he gave up. He tutted, and quietly slipped out of the gym unnoticed. The volleyball idiots could handle the nets, it wouldn’t matter too much. He felt dead on his feet and, he supposed, he would be in the way instead of any help. 

Tsukishima wasn’t sure how he forgot that people exhausted him, or how he was still… sick? Stressed? It didn’t matter. As he trudged lazily through the sweltering courtyard Tsukishima had a horrible feeling that he’d forget something important again. 

He was right.

Not only did he forget how to do basic algebraic division, so much so he stayed behind to  _ ask,  _ he left the staff room and lumbered straight home without a second thought to go to training and an eye-watering pain behind his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't written a demi character before and I must say, it's really nice to be able to express part of my sexuality through a character I love 
> 
> anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'm so sorry it took so long?? The rest of the chapters are outlined pretty heavily so the rest should be here much quicker lol (also, I'm off school for the next 6 months so that helps)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one that's Entirely a Flashback or Two

"I didn't ask on the bus, but what did Kuroo-san want?" Yamaguchi asked before shoving his mouth full with popcorn.

Tsukishima didn't glance up from his phone, which he had been vigorously tapping away at through the entire afternoon and kept him well distracted from the movie the two had chosen to watch.

"Um," he mumbled. "He asked me out."

Yamaguchi froze mid popcorn crunch. Screw movie night. 

“He what?” Yamaguchi screached. “Please tell me you said yes!”

Tsukishima stopped typing, and frowned at an unspecified spot on the floor. “I haven’t decided yet. Besides,” he smiled sadly. “It won’t last long.”

“Tsukki, you don’t know that! You should say yes. You want this.”

“Do I?”

“Yes! You’ve been head over heels for ages! You came out to you mum!”

“Those are not… they’re mutually exclusive events, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi huffed. “Tsukki, c’mon! One date! If you agree to one date you can then decide if you wanna keep trying or not. But you can’t completely reject him if you feel the same.”

Tsukishima was looking directly at him with an almost-not-quite glare carved in his features. 

“I don’t…’ Tsukishima’s voice cracked. “I don’t know _ what _ I feel, or if I’m even feeling the same thing or if this is just a friends thing or _ what the hell am I feeling? _”

His pained expression made Yamaguchi’s lip want to quiver, but that just wouldn’t do, now would it? “Like I said - do a trial date! If the romance feels wrong, let Kuroo-san know, and it stops. You know he won’t make you. But if the romance is right, try again, to make sure, and I don’t know. You’ll see?”

Tsukishima stared back at his phone, frown still deeply etched in his features. He started typing again and, to no avail, Yamaguchi tried to see what he was typing. 

A bomb exploded in their long forgotten movie as the silence stretched as they waited. 

Tsukishima’s phone lit up again and the frown relaxed - if only slightly - and he tossed his phone to the table. 

“We’re going out next week, I guess.” He mumbled.

Yamaguchi fist pumped the air and cheered. 

“We’re going to have to start this again, you know.” Tsukishima grouched.

Yamaguchi nodded, grinning, and visibly more excited than Tsukishima.

But only visibly.

* * *

Kuroo could hardly believe that he was laying on an oval in Miyagi , on a sticky summer night, next to Tsukishima Kei. Tsukishima had agreed to him visiting in their summer holidays and Kuroo hadn’t the faintest clue how he got Tsukishima to agree.

He sure as hell isn’t complaining though. 

After his very awkward, very hazardous confession on the final day of the national tournament,the two of them had stayed up well into the next morning because of course they did, the love-struck idiots.

On this particular night, they discovered that they both had some intensely problematic brains that were messed with almost daily to varying degrees. 

Tsukishima, overloaded with senses and exhaustion and an unforgiving mind and Kuroo with his leaden limbs and cruel, spiralling thoughts. 

They lay down some ground rules and some basics on what to expect from said problematic brains. 

Kuroo is fine with whatever - he’s out to those who matter, and anyone else who asks. Tsukishima is unsure what he’s doing, only out to three people, and definitely going slow. 

It was a good talk. 

Kuroo hummed softly and turned his head to Tsukishima. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Tsukishima sent him a confused look. “It’s not too much?”

“Tsukki, despite what your mental illnesses tell you, I do actually care about you, and I’m gonna support you the best that I can. And if that’s by following these guidelines so you’re comfy, I’ll do it. If it’s more, I’ll do it. If it’s less. It doesn’t matter to me. Whatever you want.”

“But it’s… I’m a lot.”

“Yeah, and? Everyone’s a lot sometimes, that doesn’t devalue the great things about you. Sure, it’s tricky and ugly and not even remotely nice, but it doesn’t mean I won’t still love you when you aren’t at one hundred percent.”

Tsukishima stared at Kuroo, wide-eyed and very confused but unbelievably grateful. 

“Thank you, Kuroo-san.”

Kuroo barked a laugh. “I’ve told you a million times already, foureyes. You’re allowed to call me Tetsurou. I’m your boyfriend okay?”

That sounded surreal to Tsukishima, to be Kuroo’s - or anyone’s - boyfriend and yet. There he was, grinning at Tsukishima as though he’d sprinkled the stars and light the moon. 

Far out, Tsukishima wanted to kiss Kuroo so badly. 

This boy was gonna be the end of him. 

“Kuroo, I.” Tsukishima swallowed. “I love you.” 

“Well, that’s good ‘cause I sure love you too,” Kuroo said. Oh god, he wants to kiss Tsukishima.

Tsukishima laughed dryly. "You sure? I'm a mess."

“Yup. You are, and so am I, and you're my mess now so I'm gonna be there for you.” Kuroo propped himself up on his elbow. “Now. Tsukishima Kei. I hope you've been dying to kiss me as much as I've been dying to kiss you.”

“Yeah,” Tsukishima breathed.

It was a good talk, and an absolutely mind scrambling kiss. 

Kuroo pressed his lips to Tsukishima’s and he couldn’t think past the fact that Kuroo Testsurou was kissing him. _ Kuroo Tetsurou was his first kiss and holy shit Tsukishima didn’t want to stop. _

Kuroo pulled away slowly, grinned like the happiest person in the universe, and left Tsukishima’s lips tingling with invisible firefly kisses. 

Tsukishima was glad Sunday was a thing so he had time to school his giddy expression and racing heart back into neutrality before other people saw the hearts in his eyes.

* * *

Tsukishima was sure that he moved faster than Hinata when he texted Yamaguchi the following morning. 

Yamaguchi

Yamaguchi

Tadashi

Holy shit

**Woa hello**

**Good morning? Why are we holy shitting**

**be4 9???**

I got killed by Kuroo Tetsurou

**!!!**

**No McFricken WAy**

We were talking, and

I was explainging the shitstorm that

is my brain and health

And how ive never wanted before

Thisi is new right

And i have to tell him that i love him

**Holy SHIT **

**SO MANY TYPOS THIS IS HUGE** **  
** **YES KEI YES **

And he said he loved me too

**!!!!!!!!! **

Then he alsed me

He asked if he could ikss me

*kiss  
  


**aaaaaaHHHHHHH**

**You said Yes right**

**You had your first kiss with him**

**Right**

I did say yes.

Yes.

He kissed me

On the mouth

**Tsukki that’s amazing!!!!!!**

And then it was cold so we came

back to teh house

And we fell asleeo watching movies. 

And cuddling.

In my bed 

**HE’S IN YOUR BED?!**

Yes. Kuroo Tetsurou

Is in my bed

After he kissed me

It’s fine

He’s just

Sleeping next to me. Softly

He looks so

Actually, you probably don’t need to know

how he looks, do you?

**I**

**You could say if you wanted lol **

I can;t believe i got kissed

By Kuroo Tetsurou

**mmmHm you’ve been crushing so hard**

Yamaguchi, shut up.

And now i can’t thnik abut anything else

I love him a lot but what do i do.

I don’t know what to do

Is this the definition of a ‘gay panic’

?

***Gay Panic™**

**Have you really never had a **

**Gay Panic™ before?**

No? That’s why I’m asking

I imagine it feels a bit like this;

exhilarating yet terrifying

**Ok, well, check w/ Aki-nii, he knows more, but **

**according to my own research, a Gay Panic™ **

**is similar but different to a Bi Panic™ so maybe **

**ask Aki-nii cause y’know, he’s hella gay man (his**

**Words, not mine!), but like. Yes i believe you are **

**experiencing a Gay Panic™**

I’m. 

Really not sure what you just said, but it’s safe to say I’m panicking

Because

Kuroo Tetsurou

Is in my bed

SLEEPING

And he kissed me!

**Yes, that **

**That has been established.**

**...**

**Several times**

He’s waking up

**Bye Tsukki!**

**Don’t have too much fun ;D**

Kuroo opened his eyes and rubbed the groggy heaviness from them the best he could. The sun coming through the tiny crack in the blinds cast a soft glow in the small, and left a dusting of gold on Tsukishima's face. Kuroo felt Tsukishima gently rubbing his thumb on Kuroo's temple, brushing stray hairs away. 

His heart clenched with the utter admiration he had for his absolutely stunning boyfriend (his _boyfriend! His!!_)

“‘orning Kei” he yawned. 

“Good morning, Tetsurou.” 

The morning - full of bullying, how dare you Tetsurou, he can't _see without his glasses, it doesn't matter that he laughed at your morning hair _\- was totally worth the heart pounding giddiness that followed the two as they went about the day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha well. I wanted to write a few flashbacks, but they we're long enough for their own individual fic or chapter so :D  
they DO tie in to the rest of the fic to come (and part of what already happened) so yeah  
Hope you enjoyed!  
The final two chapters are outlined and should hopefully be up very soon!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where he cries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: short, non-graphic panic attack

Kuroo had been growing increasingly worried about his boyfriend. None of their usual calls or texts, and yes, admittedly, Kuroo had been busy and hadn’t contacted Tsukishima himself. He had tried the second he got a spare minute - he tried calling four times, in fact. 

Since the direct route to helping his boyfriend wasn’t working, Kuroo decided to go with two alternatives: Akiteru and Yamaguchi. With their combined powers of best friend and older brother privileges, maybe Kuroo would get some sort of answer.

No such luck it would seem - neither brother, best friend or boyfriend had heard more than single words from him in two weeks. 

Kuroo thanked his dad for reminding him to save his money because shinkansen tickets to Miyagi are not cheap. 

Six hours away, Tsukishima stared down Kageyama and stuffed an exhausted sigh down his throat. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kageyama snarled.

“Excuse me?”

“What’s your problem, huh? You trying to ruin our chances of winning nationals this year? It’s our final chance to win.”

“No,” Tsukishima seethed.

“So you think it’s fine to just not come to training? Your position is replaceable, you know.”

“I’m tired, Kageyama.” Tsukishima turned to leave and shoved his feet in his shoes. “And if you want any chance of winning nationals, you won’t replace me. You know the team’s blocks are weak.”

Before Kageyama could yell curses after him, Hinata grabbed his boyfriend’s arm and tugged him to the court.

“Tobio, let’s practice some more!!”

* * *

Tsukishima shoved into his house, briefly thankful his mum was at work. Despite his exhaustion, he’s hyper aware of everything in the room, and his eyes fall on yet another opened envelope.

From the University of Tokyo. 

It’s not big enough to definitely be accepted, but was it small enough to spell complete rejection?

Tsukishima, shaking and desperately trying to remember how breathing worked, sat at the bottom of the stairs, letter in hand. 

Does he open it? It’s not like his week would get any worse. 

He’d barely broken the seal before he bolted to the toilet, letter abandoned. Tsukishima didn’t throw up during panic attacks , but they always, without fail, made him feel like he was going to. 

Tears burned down his cheeks and he dug his nails into his head, tearing at hair, knees aching on the tiles and stomach clenching. If he could just move, just focus on something or breathe or anything at all he could pretend this never happened, could move on and not choke on his own breath but he can’t breathe and he thinks he’s retching and his head is throbbing. 

His phone buzzes. 

Now

**5:43pm Tetsu <3:** call me when you can. Wanna talk xx

Fuck. 

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. He forgot to respond. 

He forgot to talk to his boyfriend. Tsukishima tried not to sob as he dug his nails into his thighs and cursed himself. How dare he be such a shit boyfriend, couldn’t even manage to send a weak emoji back to show he’d read them. Kuroo deserves better. He deserves better than forgotten texts and violent crying on the bathroom floor. 

He deserves better than Kei.

* * *

Tsukishima had somehow crawled into his bed, and it was well past noon before Tsukishima blinked his eyes open. 

He thought he heard talking in the kitchen but surely his brain was making things up.

His stomach wasn’t though. He was starving, stomach growling and threatening to eat itself. With a stiff sigh, Tsukishima rolled out of bed, steadied himself and haphazardly propped his glasses over his nose, he stumbled down to the kitchen.

“Good evening, sleeping beauty.” That was not his mum. 

Tsukishima’s eyes snapped open. He wasn’t imaging the voices. Kuroo was here. In his house, talking with his mum and. Making pancakes? 

He was making pancakes. 

“Tetsurou? What are you-”

“I figured it would be nice to see you,” Kuroo said, handing the flipper to Haeru. “You seemed stressed love, and I wanted to surprise you.”

Kuroo had his hands on Tsukishima’s shoulders and Tsukishima missed seeing Kuroo’s smile lines up close. 

“Mum, we’re just going to go to my room for a moment.” He loved her, but he really didn’t want to cry in front of her. 

Once they were bundled in the safety of his room, Tsukishima turned to Kuroo, eyes watering. 

“I’m so sorry Tetsurou, I didn’t- I wanted to- I just,” C’mon, words _ work. _“I’m sorry,” he bawled lamely. 

Kuroo’s chest stuttered with sadness. He cupped his hands on Tsukishima’s face and wiped his thumbs over wet cheek bones. 

“Kei, sweetheart, don’t apologise,” he said. “You don’t have to apologise for not being okay.”

“I missed you,”

“I missed you too.” Kuroo smiled and kissed Tsukishima’s nose. 

“Your mum said you haven’t opened the letter yet.”

Tsukishima pouted, and glared at the envelope on his desk. 

“Do you want me to?”

Tsukishima nodded and slouched onto his bed, hands nervously tucked between his knees. 

“Alright,” Kuroo broke the seal with a quick swipe of his nails. He cleared his throat in mock formality. “‘Dear Tsukishima Kei, we are writing on behalf of the University of Tokyo to inform you that you’re application for the bachelor of environmental science scholarship has been-”

Rejected.

Obviously rejected. Nothing about being delighted. 

Tsukishima’s heart sank through the floor. 

“-accepted.’ Holy shit,” Kuroo grinned. “Babe, holy shit.”

Tsukishima sat, shocked still. He could move in with Kuroo. They could share an apartment, and study what they want, and live together. It was going to be alright. Tsukishima absently felt the bed dip and Kuroo wrap an arm around him. 

“I’m so proud of you Kei,” 

Kuroo’s proud of him. _ Kuroo’s proud of him. _ Deep down, Tsukishima already knew he was, but hearing it was _ so _different. 

“Can I kiss you?” Kuroo asked, hand cupped on Tsukishima’s damp cheek and the softest, most loving gaze Tsukishima had ever seen anyone give. Tsukishima leaned into Kuroo’s palm, eyes closed. “Thank you,”

“Is that a yes?”

“That’s a yes.”

“Perfect,” Kuroo smiled and pressed deep and slow against Tsukishima’s lips, and sighed softly at the returned pressure. 

_ I love you, _Kuroo’s hands said as he cradled Tsukishima’s hips against him. Tsukishima’s reply was clear in the shy lick of his tongue, and his arms curled tightly around Kuroo’s shoulders.

Kei gasped quietly when Kuroo deepened the kiss and his hold on Tsukishima drew them closer to each other. This was perfect and amazing and they had each missed the way the other responded and Kuroo didn’t want more and Tsukishima was maybe crying a bit again. 

“Well, I guess you aren’t hungry for pancakes, then?” 

Both boys jumped apart, breathless and startled. 

“Mum, what the hell?” Tsukishima’s attempt and appearing indifferent failed largely due to the pink flush of his cheeks. “Knock next time,”

“I did,” she said with a jut of her eyebrow. “I just didn’t want you to miss out on these pancakes! Kuroo’s a good chef, I’m glad you won’t get food poisoning, or gangrene without me feeding you next year.”

“I can cook,” Tsukishima pouted. 

“You absolutely can’t, Kei,” Kuroo said, smirking. 

“Tetsurou, you’re meant to be on my side!”

Kuroo shrugged. “Haeru-san is right though. I make mean pancakes. And! You don’t want your boyfriend to starve, do you?”

Tsukishima sighed. “I _ suppose _ not.”

“You _ suppose?! _”

Everything is alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely can not write endings.
> 
> Thank you for reading  
I decided to conjoin ch4 and ch5 because ch4 was going to be less than 500 words otherwise XD
> 
> This is the end of this fic! Thank you so much for reading, it was really nice to experiment, and write again!! Hopefully I'll be doing some more fics soon. (though I have to finish that one from 2015 before i start anything new ahaha)
> 
> If they tickle your fancy, you're welcome to check out my other fics!


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